From Victim to Advocate: Anju K's Journey Through Domestic Violence and a Call for Change

Di: 0:21

Hey BodyHolics, Di Shachar here, your host on the BodyHolic with D podcast. Before we dive in, a quick reminder this podcast isn't your typical fluff and sunshine. We're talking science-based well-being, the kind that empowers you to rip up the rulebook and build a life that's healthy, happy and fierce. And that means that sometimes we've got to face the hard stuff too. So, in the spirit of rip it up honesty, let me introduce myself. I'm D , the author of the book Rip it Up for Good. I'm also the founder of the badass BodyHolic community. I'm also a public health promoter, slash cheerleader, who's super passionate about bringing cutting edge, science-backed information to your ears. I am here to help you work your way through the messy and marvelous world of well-being. Now, speaking of messy and marvelous, today's guest is going to dig deep into your mind and your heart.

Di: 1:42

Anju Kumari isn't just a domestic violence prevention expert. She's a survivor turned warrior who turned her pain into power in just three months. That's right, three months. Her voice has reached over a million people across the globe through her blogs, articles and raw, powerful talks. Now Anju isn't here to just sugarcoat things. She's here to share her story, to debunk myths and misconceptions around domestic violence, and she's also here to equip us all with the tools to be active bystanders, to build safer communities and to empower survivors.

Di: 2:31

So, guys, are you ready to get real? Are you ready to learn, to grow and to make a difference? In that case, strap on your headphones, hit subscribe and get ready for a conversation that'll leave you inspired, empowered and ready to rip it up for good, not just for yourself, but for every survivor out there. This is BodyHolicWithD and the next voice you hear. Well, let's just say that it'll change the way you see the world. Don't forget to connect with me on Instagram, on BodyHolic, and let me know what you think of the episode and, of course, head over to the BodyHolic website for more resources and ways to get involved. We can do this on the note of this podcast. We can get involved and fight against domestic violence together. Anju Kumari, I am so happy to have you here today with me for this exceptionally important discussion. Thank you, Thank you.

Anju: 3:43

Thank you so much for the invite and giving me the opportunity to be here.

Di: 3:50

It's a pleasure. I know you're short on time today and I'm going to ask us to dive right in and if you could just give a little bit of an introduction about who you are. I, of course, give an introduction, but I think it's very powerful when it comes from you and if you can share. You don't have to go too personal if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you can share a little bit about what led you into your current career, Okay, that's a really nice question.

Anju: 4:27

I love it, like what led me to my current career. So let's start from here. I'm an advocacy. I advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault. So it was not one day dream like I woke up in the morning and I'm like I decided, hey, I want to become this. I guess whoever is in the field have some history or a story. That's why they feel that empathy and compassion towards the other survivors and victims and then they can give their best to the job. So I didn't decide it. It was my personal experience and life that led me to this career. Otherwise, by career, I'm interior designer.

Anju: 5:11

So it was completely opposite and I suffered trauma, abuse, violence half of my life. Like there was not a single day or single minute when it was not in my life. It was not just one day experience. And I'm not comparing or saying that if a person went through something for just one, that's different because, like, pain is pain, so but for me it was every single second. And the worst part was people get confused Like, oh, if someone is coming from war, I'm like I have empathy towards them, but in that case the abuser or the person was a stranger. But in domestic violence it's like the person who said that the person is going to protect you. So it completely affects the brain chemistry.

Di: 6:16

I have goosebumps right now because drawing the comparison between war, violence and I guess, any kind of crime that would come from a stranger, drawing the comparison between that and domestic violence is it's it's hard to take because for someone like me, who I'm looking at it more from the outside and I'm very grateful for that and, yeah, I'm going to knock on wood, but I'm listening to you and just the thought of the person whom you put your trust in, that person, and then when you say it affects the chemistry of the brain, yeah, I kind of understand what you're saying.

Anju: 7:14

But if you can elaborate on that because yeah, first, of all why I make the comparison between the war and domestic violence because when we talk about war, that's a global thing, global issue. But when it comes to domestic the word domestic people think, oh, that's none of my business, that's your house situation Deal it yourself.

Di: 7:39

Is that? That's what you've encountered?

Anju: 7:42

Yes, like people don't take it like a public concern or issue, it's more like a personal thing oh, it happened with you because you chose it. Or like they are not trying to blame the victim. They are trying to keep themselves safe. When people do this kind of victim blaming, they are not like blaming the victim, they are trying oh, if I put the blame on this person, the victim, I am keeping myself safe. But that's not true.

Anju: 8:14

And as we are comparing the war zone and domestic violence, in war zone people are no one asked the bomb to come on their head. No one, no one wants that. The same thing with domestic violence not a single victim or survivor wants that. The person they are in love with it can be husband, a sibling, a parent, a child, whoever shares the boundary, the same household they are not looking for a bomb to fall on their head by that person. Right, because that relationship is formed because of the love or blood. They have some connection, but instead of that it turns into fear. So that's how it completely changes the brain chemistry.

Anju: 9:10

Just imagine from the side of a victim or survivor and I prefer using both the terms together, victim and survivor. So just think from that perspective, how that person feel about other strangers or random people when that person is being broken by their person. And they chose that individual, that abuser, every single time in hope that maybe it will get better. Maybe this will help. Maybe if I fix this in my body or in my behavior, maybe then it stops. But it never stops.

Anju: 9:57

Nothing changes and one day the victim or survivor loses themselves completely to the point that it's really difficult for them to find themselves and I know how it feels. I was an interior designer, working, had my masters, I was into parenting, blogging. Now it's been three years when I turned from the victim to survivor and I couldn't go back to my job. Instead, every day I am teaching, educating and working in advocacy to spread awareness, to help victims, to support survivors Like I had the career where I can make money easily.

Di: 10:47

But I can't do that anymore.

Anju: 10:50

That doesn't give me peace or anything. So like working in advocacy, it brings me peace and it feels like I am helping myself, Like the parts where I needed the help. It's more like I'm helping myself in that part.

Di: 11:08

Also because I'm assuming that who basically? I mean, it's almost like you're reaching out to yourself from back then yes, and it's like I'm also wondering, like how many women or children are I mean, you mentioned that domestic violence comes in different forms or like how many of them don't have that person who's reaching out? So when you say advocacy, what specifically does that mean? Like what is a day or a week look like for you in general points?

Anju: 11:54

The way right now I am doing. After this, I'm going to meet someone. Usually, I talk to people around the world. I'm very reachable. I'm very reachable, my information is available everywhere and I started doing this one and a half year back. And if we talk about the numbers, every week I get some positive news or feedback from 10 plus people. And I started this journey by telling myself if every day I can just affect one life, just one life, I'm making a big difference. So I'm doing it in good numbers and when I say advocacy, I give this space and time to the person to open up and then we analyze it. We don't make judgments over anything. We don't jump on things. I provide the resources and more study material if they want to look on that, if there is any chance where we can save a relationship, because prevention is better than cure. And in today's world, everyone is so used to some words like toxic, narcissistic abuse, trauma force, like people are so used to this word. They take every kind of behavior and they just label them like this.

Di: 13:25

Interesting.

Anju: 13:27

So many times there are situations when we can do something to save the relationship or work, so always that's my first priority. I try to do that. But before stepping towards that, I work with local law enforcement and other nonprofit organizations. If there is any chance of safety concerns, if there is any child involved, and I start documenting. From my side and in my advocacy, whoever is working with me, I tell them to document everything, to write it down, to journal it so that way they can understand where is the problem and it can be fixed or not. And when the person feels like, hey, this is how it's going, obviously when there is a situation where we have to take immediate action, we have to remove the person. So that's completely different protocol. But because of the social media, people are not understanding the relationship and they are labeling everything as toxic relationship.

Di: 14:41

So, first-. Interesting. You're saying social media has to do with that.

Anju: 14:46

Yes.

Di: 14:48

Yeah, I can see what you're saying on so many levels, but can you elaborate the mindset of yeah, Okay?

Anju: 14:57

yeah, you know, today's algorithm is very smart, this AI thing.

Anju: 15:01

I really like it but sometimes it can create problem. If you go to I'm not going to name any social media platform, but if you go to any social media platform and you start looking for some kind of content, be it good or bad after five or four searches you will see all the content related to that and a person goes through social media as escape door when a person needs some like support. Instead of finding the right resources taking a walk or moving the body or eating healthy or reading a book or taking some breathing exercises what people do? They just start scrolling and the algorithm absorb that they know this person is upset right now. They start throwing all the content and after 10, 20 minutes, that person feels like, oh, this platform understands my opinion, like this is what I'm feeling, and then they go more. They start going more and then they feel have you seen, like a gossiping fact, Things like where a person is like whatever they're saying and the other person is like, yeah, you're right, yeah, it's a dopamine hit, yeah, yeah.

Anju: 16:17

So the person is like it, and this applies to victim and abuser, both, because this social media is now everywhere. Even the kids have it Once they start. Let's take example of a child. My mom forced me to eat this. The person looks for more stuff and what the person is thinking oh, that's forced. A child should not be forced for this or that. And after 30 minutes or one hour, the child or the person comes out like yeah, I'm living in a toxic household, this, this, this.

Di: 16:57

Wow.

Anju: 16:58

Yeah, like if you are already upset and you start going in that direction, you will be more upset. But what we need to do, we need to reach out to the right resources. Talk to a counselor, talk to some adult, talk to a person who can give you the right feedback. Hey, my mom told me to eat this. Was it okay or not? Okay, ask the person. Recently I tried. I'm going to just add this one.

Di: 17:29

I was just checking AI.

Anju: 17:34

We have been taught like, whatever happened, if something happened around you, you should reach out to your parent first and discuss it with your parent. So I was just checking how AI responds. I know we are not on that topic, but I think that's a good thing to add. That's my personal experience. So I asked the AI, like a child should reach out to whom first if there is a situation, and it says it's better to reach out to friends.

Di: 18:05

Really.

Anju: 18:07

Yeah, friends will understand you and give you the right advice. Now just see if an eight or 10 year old child reach out for some advice to a friend, and it can be any kind of advice. You know how kids are so curious about everything, be it good or bad. So I'm just wondering if what goes that direction, like kids are reaching out to their friends, I don't know where we can help the kids. I was shocked by the answer.

Di: 18:47

I am thinking right now. The first thing that comes to my mind just pops to my mind when you say this is I think it's actually pretty rampant in your region, here where I am in Israel, it has hit, but because of the war that we are currently experiencing, actually I see it less. But when you talk about exactly the reaching out to friends and getting friends, the first thing that hits me is the fentanyl crisis. Yeah, the drug crisis which is rampant around young adults. We're talking about adolescents. That's very disturbing.

Anju: 19:38

That's what I'm saying. Like then parents should be more concerned about, because if a child is believing that they should reach out to friends instead of a parent or a teacher or a counselor, we know kids can't guide each other.

Di: 19:57

So what do we do? How do we ensure that our children, that our child comes to us or to a counselor or to? How do we do this?

Anju: 20:11

We should increase our communication time, and that doesn't mean asking like which iPod you want or which iPhone you want, right? So we should tell them what exactly they want, make them feel her in your presence, and this can be done as we are talking about domestic violence. So it's always better to start healthy communication about everything. Talk to your partner, your sibling, your parent, and they feel comfortable sharing anything with you.

Di: 20:49

And the more you talk to them the more you respond to the things that they tell you is really important.

Anju: 20:55

Yes, and that way you know, everyone is not at the same level of knowledge. So try to know the possible resources available in your local area and the way we know about which restaurants are best, which salon are best, which park is good, which club is good. We should know what are the resources available for different things and instead of asking AI about, like, where you should go to ask for help and it gives you the answer to parents and we should look on the positive side ask what are the healthy lifestyle habits I can follow, what are the foods I can eat to feel better if I am depressed? Because how AI works, you have to give the right prompt and then it gives you the information.

Di: 21:59

So we have to give our kids the prompts, the tools to research correctly.

Anju: 22:07

Yes, because we are not in the world where we can do the research and tell them to follow it. Right now we have this resource, a phone in their hand, so at least we can raise them to understand what to look for.

Di: 22:29

And that starts from us.

Anju: 22:31

That starts from us. When you become a parent, you have a lot of responsibility, not just sending them school or getting them the Christmas gifts. We have more responsibilities.

Di: 22:46

Absolutely. This is so interesting to me as a parent, and I'm also going to mention that you're a parent, so you're really teaching me. Right now. I'm just going to go back to specifically women, but you can absolutely deviate from there, because I feel like, again, as a parent, this is so important.

Anju: 23:19

I will answer this we are talking especially about women. But if a child is witnessing any kind of abuse it is still harmful and I do a lot of research and we always say children are secondary with them. No, they are primary Because the women started experiencing that and this is the child is experiencing it like when they have that raw mind where they are getting everything. We do so many research where a mother is going through some traumatic thing by the father or the partner and two kids are in the room, one watching TV like the child is completely unaffected and the other child is hiding under the bed. But both of them are affected.

Di: 24:09

Right, both of them are absorbing it regardless.

Anju: 24:13

Yeah, so we can't leave kids on one side when we talk about the effect of domestic violence on women, because it affects the children the same way as women, and are there common signs and indications that people should look out for? You really know some good questions Like really yeah, you're so sweet.

Anju: 24:41

Yeah, like the first thing, any person who is going through domestic violence. They can notice a pain in the neck and shoulder, behind the ear, a lot of digestive issues, change in weight, change in vision and skin. Skin tells a lot and when the domestic violence enters the body, the hormones start misbehaving. They get confused. The same way the person get confused. The person is like, oh, I'm in love with this person, this person is not going to hurt me. The same thing happens to our own body. Our antibodies and like all the organs are like no, this is my house, this person loves me. But when a person is going through domestic violence, they experience a lot of anxiety and depression and they don't focus on their body movement. They are diet, they are on the survival mode. So it's start affecting their body parts and not talking about the thing.

Di: 25:54

The first thing is to actually look at yourself and how you feel and your complexion.

Anju: 26:01

Yes, have you ever seen so many videos coming here and there before and after? This was me before, now this I am going after the divorce. So it's visible, it's really visible. And then me I feel like I'm getting younger, like if I see my pictures from three years back. I don't want to look on those pictures.

Di: 26:25

Wow.

Anju: 26:26

I really don't want to look on pictures From 10 years. I stopped taking selfies or any kind of pictures because I was like I was not happy with myself. I didn't hide any mirror in my house because whenever I had mirror, what I saw in the reflection? A black eye, reading nose, swollen eyes. So I removed all the mirrors.

Di: 26:57

When someone looks at you and sees that they can feel it. Then, was anyone vocal? Was anyone reaching out, or is it something that people are scared of doing?

Anju: 27:14

For that I think we need to schedule another episode, because that can go very deep. Here comes the religion and cultural pains.

Di: 27:25

We totally do.

Anju: 27:27

Yeah.

Anju: 27:27

In my case I work with so many individuals. I think I have worked more than 2000 people within this time period. There are some cultures which say this, this, but everyone say be quiet. I think that's a common thing. Everyone is like be quiet, that's your personal stuff, take your dog and put it under the carpet. That's how others treat. It's not easy to find support in cases of domestic violence. That's the saddest part. If a person go through car accident or something, at least people are there to help. But if a person go through domestic violence, people are not willing to come forward to help, including the other family members.

Di: 28:21

Before I let you go, because I know your schedule is tight and we will schedule another this is too much of an important topic for us to let it go. I just want to ask if you could maybe just list a few coping strategies. Yeah, it's hard for people to reach out.

Anju: 28:48

Yeah, because we are completely in different countries. Obviously, if I provide resources, that will not work out, but if someone is listening to this podcast, they can make a list. First of all, document. Document what is happening with you. Document what you are feeling in your body. I used to do that. Write your physical symptoms, write your emotional symptoms so that way, when you reach out to the resources the right resources which can help you Obviously local law enforcement, non-profit organization, your doctor, school Counselor so at least when you have everything documented, you can explain them. Hey, this is what I'm feeling, because when we talk about domestic violence, it's not just the physical injuries. It's really difficult to explain the emotional abuse. But if you have your symptoms written down, the other person can go through that. And the second thing focus on your drinking Stray hydrated, because when a person is in depression, they lose a lot of water, so it's better to stay hydrated. Take rest If you are not in the situation where you can leave. So whenever you get some chance to take some rest, take that rest.

Anju: 30:10

You deserve that you don't need to be on the edge all the time. The moment you get your space when the abuser is not there, take some rest.

Di: 30:23

You're saying things that sound so basic and basically what you're saying is how to survive until you are out of the situation.

Anju: 30:34

Yes, because when you take rest, you know your mind works. You want to continue staying in the situation or you want to look outside the situation. So that's why I'm telling to rest, because a person who is in the war zone they are always on the edges and in survival mode and mind stops working. Breathing goes fast. But when that person takes that break, have some time to focus on the breathing, they can come back to their body and then they can make a plan proper plan, ok and keep your body moving, moving in the sense, walk. Do some stretching. It will help the person to release that hidden trauma.

Di: 31:34

Wow, Listen, in this short period of time I am under, I've learned so much. I can't say that I fully understand we're going to have to make this a series.

Anju: 31:49

I would like to do one more episode where we can actually work about some body points where we can release the trauma and, as you are, also in health, so that would be good for me and you to go in the depth where we can focus how, because everyone is talking about what is domestic violence, but now we have so many survivors who are already out of that, but they are still stuck in the aftermath of abuse, so we need to help those people how they can improve their life better, not to go into the substance abuse or the wrong side of the world. So I think it would be better if we can discuss that in the next episode.

Di: 32:29

Like increasing your wealth.

Anju: 32:32

I have to go now.

Di: 32:33

Thank you, anju, thank you so much, and we will schedule our next call, Thank you, thank you, thank you, see you soon.